On Renewing Things and Self
I’ve been slowly but deliberately repairing and refreshing things that I own that are not destined for a purge. Since our move to Colorado - and the deep purge that went on to get us here - I feel like most of the items I brought are worth keeping. Otherwise why the hell did we pay to have them moved?
It started with my son’s starter bass guitar: an inexpensive instrument that took a lot of abuse at high school band practices. I’m loathe to throw out any musical instrument, I wanted to play it, and someday he’ll want it again for nostalgia. A good cleaning, some new strings, some spray for the potentiometers to get rid of the buzzing and scratching, a new patch cord, an inexpensive guitar stand, and it’s back.
Then I moved on to tech - old computers and cameras mostly - new batteries, fresh OS installs, upgraded drives, fans cleaned. I freely admit that I have temporarily lost track giving each old computer a purpose, but reddit’s r/homeserver is always waiting for when I’m ready.
Next up has been a series of unused packs - a seemingly indestructible North Face backpack, and small shoulder pack, a nice Mountainsmith butt pack. It’s hard to believe how much lighter they are after repeated rinsing with soap and hot water washed years of trail dust and sweat down the sink. Two new buckles (thank you, Sea To Summit!) and elastic cord for one, a new zipper pull for another, trimming away all of the stray fabric: now they are great packs again. The backpack gets the most use as my go to for birding, the small one is perfect for travel.
It struck me as I went to bed last night that this is a none-too-subtle message to myself about doing the same with my mind and body. My own metaphorical fans need cleaning, hard drives lightened from the burden of too many files, I need to wash away the buildup of trail dust, and lubricate those potentiometers to get rid of the noise. We can talk later about how it would have been better to have kept my mind and body maintained all along: for now I need to just meet myself where I am. We’ve all heard “A stitch in time saves nine”, but this is more about “Nine stitches just before things get really bad brings new life to something old”. I think everyone knows that saying too, it’s just that the lack of rhyme or meter has kept it out of the vernacular.
I tend to use things hard. When I was in Ironman training I did a better job of preventative maintenance on my road and triathlon bikes to keep them in good working order, but that was a necessity if I wanted to get tomorrow’s workout in. I think the ‘used hard’ term applies to my mind and body as well. Not like “I’ve been a day laborer my whole life” hard, not Mad Men hard, nor “I’ve been a smoker for 50 years” hard, but still, day after day of sitting in a chair, eating too much food and not the right food, drinking too much caffeine, poor sleep, etc. have all taken their toll after half a century.
What is a “repair and refresh” for a mind and body? Our blood cells replace themselves completely after about 6 weeks. Skeletal muscles? 15 years. Neurons? Never. The amount of time to see substantive fat loss and muscle growth from diet and exercise or to see how meditation changes to the brain? Around 8 weeks, maybe. The amount of time to get a new habit dialed in? The median seems to be a couple of months. The now-famous UTSA heart study took two years worth of building fitness to turn back the clock on the participants’ heart tissue. The amount of time to lose the extra 60 or 70 pounds? A year or two.
These are all frustratingly long for those of us whose minds are looking for quick fixes. Maybe a spa vacation? A meditation retreat? Just a vacation? A fast? An Ayahuasca trip? Hike to a mountain top? Yeah, those things will wash away a little of the grime and change our mindset for a short time, but a real turnaround is made up of a lot of hard, consistent work over time. I’m fortunate enough to have the time and space to put in that work … but it’s still not happening.
Sometimes I have this dream of waking up as “New Brad” where my mind and body just do things the new, better, healthier way. That’s the promise of a long list of hopeful quotes about “tomorrow” and how we can choose to be different and everything will be better. None of them seem to quite remember the reality of a mind and body that are entrenched in deep, deep ruts. I understand, in my soul, what David Goggins means when he talks about going to battle with his mind every day. Maybe that’s my only choice to gain the agency I deserve so I can create the personal renewal my mind and body need at 57.