I feel like such a fraud

I need to come clean.

I’m heavier than I have ever been, my blood pressure is way too high, and I’ve been lying to myself about it.

One thing I learned before I gave up drinking was that we all get to declare what our own ‘bottom’ is for a problematic behavior. I am calling this ‘reached bottom’. It hurts me to know that it got this far.

While the Strong99 manifesto is pretty clear about how the struggle will always be there - and I’m definitely struggling right now - it’s also clear about how we know that we can’t outrun the spoon, and how we brave our feelings.

My personal vow is also clear about how every day I’ll take action to become healthier so that I can be my best self.

And I’m not doing those things. I’m talking the talk (and in my case writing the words) but not walking the walk. And that’s not OK.

All the words about ‘best self’ and ‘thriving longer’ are meaningless if I’m not healthy enough to be in the arena.

I won’t get into the Why of it here: no matter what I say it comes out like an excuse. What is most important is that I close this widening disconnect between who I present to the world and who I am right now.

I asked Midjourney for ‘doing a u-turn on the highway’ to represent me making a change. This result was too funny not to add.

I awoke this morning with the thought “this is the first day of the rest of my life”. I know I’ve said this to myself before. It reminds me of the story of a relative who announced “We’re never drinking again” on the morning after a particularly alcohol-driven night of partying. For most of us it’s a line in the sand that is washed away by the next incoming tide. We feel out of sorts physically but also spiritually because we are not in alignment with our personal values. We take a little action but inevitably backslide after a week, or a month. I think the “never drinking again” from the story only lasted until the next party.

I must do better than that.

Making any goal public is a great way to gain motivation so I’ll be documenting my struggle here in Strong99. I hope that I can not only fix this thing but that I may inspire others to do the work to bring themselves into alignment with their own values.